Joe Interrupted

What Did I Do?

2006-02-12T17:22:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty fucked up right now.

I did something really bad on Saturday. I can't get the events out of my head. I'm not ashamed of the events; I'm ashamed of who I did this with. Ther are certain lines that I try not to cross with my friends. Well, I crossed it, stomped on it and laughed at it.

A few years ago, I fell in love for the first time. It was legitamate love, not just a crush. Well, we broke up, but remained friends. We still hang out on a frequent basis and I'm becoming friends with his new boyfriend. Last night, I was at their house for a block party. We got a little sloshed with some friends and by 1:30-ish a.m., there were six of us left. One thing led to another and things happened.

I'm not ashamed of having sex. I try to talk openly about it. There's nothing wrong with it; it's a natural part of life. If we make it taboo and people are ashamed of it, then they're not going to be safe when the time comes because they haven't been properly educated.

So if I'm not ashamed of the sex, then what am I afriad of? My friendships. We crossed a major line. How do I act the next time I see them? I'm freakin' out about this. And now I'm having this rush of feelings again. I thought I was over him, but I guess I'm not. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do now. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I have a gut feeling this is going to be a long week.

Dream

2005-10-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

I got really crazy drunk a couple of nights ago so I had some nice drunken dreams. It's no secret to anyone that I love the Gilmore Girls and I sorta have a crush on Scott Patterson's character, Luke. It's very important to distinguish that I don't have a crush on Scott Patterson, I have a crush on Luke. Alright, there's the set up, now here's the dream.

So I was visiting Stars Hollow where I was going to visit my long lost Aunt Babbette. She took me to Luke's Diner where I had an incredible vegan breakfast. That's where I met dreamy Luke. Then we went to see Aunt Babbette's friend Miss Patty at her dance school. They gossiped while I went for a walk around the Square. I walked into Dosse's Market, was thrown out of Kim's Antiques and found myself back at Luke's. Then I heard Aunt Babbette yelling at me about how I have to go to the Dragonfly Inn and have lunch with her, Miss Patty and some mysterious woman named Eastside Tillie.

The four of us went up to the Inn and were greeted(ish) by Michele. We had a reservation and we went into the dining room. Sookie came out to see us and since Babbette had told her all about me she had a vegan feast waiting. That's when Lorelai rushed in because Paul Anka (her dog) was missing. I met her and she took an immediate liking to me. She decided on the spot that I was better then her daughter Rory and asked if I'd be her son. I decided it would be a good move to say yes. Just then Paul Anka jumped through the vegan feast. (The peas in it freaked him out.) Since lunch was ruined, Me, Patty, Babbette, Lorelia, Eastside Tillie, and Sookie went to Al's Pancake World but it was Beef, Beef and More Beef Day there so we kept on walking. Westin's was crowded so we headed back to Luke's where my stupid new mom Lorelai kissed Luke!

I got pissed and stormed. Mom-Lorelai came out to comfort me and then we went home. Later that night, Mom-Lorelai had to finish some stuff up at the Inn. So I was home watching Knight Rider on TV when Luke showed up. He told me this was mindless crap and that we should watch TLC instead. So we turned it on and he sat on the couch next to me. (I was on the far left part of the couch, Luke was on the middle of the cushion.) Then Luke flung his legs up onto the right part of the couch and flopped down in my lap with his hands behind his head with a smug little smile on his face. I freaked out and he just kept on smiling. "What if Lorelai comes home and catches us like this," I yelled. Then he kissed me. Not like a super kiss, but just a peck on the lips. That shut me up and we went back to watching TLC.

Then I woke up. So there you have it, my latest crazy dream.

I'm Here. I'm Queer. I'm Getting Used to It.

2005-10-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. I try to be a good gay, so I used a volunteer day and I headed up to Cleveland to volunteer with some friends at The Lesbian Gay Community Service Center. They were having a rally called "Live Homosexual Acts." Since I used to work there, I wasn't surprised by the appearance of chaos.

We flyered Public Square and set up for our rally on a chilly, drizzly afternoon. Amazingly we got the PA system working, and low and behold, we had a rally. As we set up, I noticed press beginning to gather. First it was Fox 8, then it was NBC 3. All of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable.

I'm openly gay. I came out at work at my interview. I'm not afraid to hold hands with someone I'm dating. I'm open on all my blogs, to my friends, the list goes on and on. But for some reason I just felt weird, awkward and singled out. There's really no justification for my feelings except for internalized homophobia. Maybe I'm not as cool with being gay as I let on.

It really tore me up last night. I'm supposed to the gay poster child. I've done peer counciling. I've helped people experience the gay community for the first time in their lives. I worked at a damn gay community center! Yet here I am fretting over being associated with this rally by the media. It doesn't seem to fit.

I think I'm entering a new phase in my life. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's here. I feel myself regressing, heading back to the safety of the closet. I already feel like there's a foot back inside. I think I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to being gay then I thought. I think I'm starting to see that now and that's why I'm freaking out.

So, sure. I'm here. I'm queer. But I'm still getting used to it.

Sleeping In

2005-10-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

I tried sleeping in today but I couldn't. I got up at 7:17, cursed at the clock, and rolled over. Forty minutes later, I was wide awake and staring at my ceiling fan (which I discovered really needs dusted). So I did what any American would do, I turned on the TV.

To my surprise, MTV was playing a crappy music video! Did you even know MTV still plays music videos? I didn't. I thought that's why they made MTV2! But like I said, the video sucked, so I proceeded to flip through the channels until something interesting came on. Finally, I landed on the Discovery Health Channel and there was a special on about Progeria. I've seen a few of these specials before, but this one was brand new to me! I got so excited to learn about the rapid aging of children!

So there I was, in bed, watching kids grow into old people by the time they're teenagers. It was really quite sad, but I'm amazed by the human body and even more impressed by the human spirit. It's gotta be crazy being a parent of a child with progeria. Most children don't live past their early teens; it has to be terrible to know that your child could very well die before you. But you have to rise above it and make their short time here the best it can be! That's what these parents do; make their kids' lives the best they can be.

Then my show was over and I needed a shower. That means getting out of bed; out from under the warm, warm covers and into the chilly house. So instead of moving right away, I flipped through the channels. I miss daytime TV. I landed on Tyra, Tyra Banks attempt at a crappy daytime talkshow. It looks so terrible! I wish I could be at home to watch it. That way I could loath Tyra and her alien forhead even more! This episode was all about Tyra and her cheap ass.

Finally, I had to get out of bed and get ready for work. Now I'm here and I miss Tyra and my progeria children.

I Spell Relief V-E-T-O

2005-09-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago there was this big stink in Norton about making English the official language of Norton. If you read my other blog, RubberBuzz, you might know that I was very against this, you know, because I'm sane and don't have a warped xenophobic perspective of America. I wrote the ACLU a few times and I wrote the mayor of Norton. Then I waited to see if Joe Kernan would overturn the council's resolution. I figured it would be in The BJ, but I never saw it. I figured Mayor Joe let the resolution stand.

Today I was reading Akron.com about the ward races in Norton and they were talking about the English only thing and views from the candidates. And all of a sudden, boom, there it was as plain as day, Mayor Kernan had vetoed the resolution. I felt so much better. I know Joe. He's a good guy and I'm glad to here he took the high road on this issue.

Wishlist Bastard

2005-09-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a bastard. I'm double dipping when it comes to holiday and birthday gifts. Almost everything I want I can get on Amazon.com. I can add it to my wishlist and people can get it for me. But that just helps Amazon make more money. I want to make more money. So I set up an affiliate relationship with Amazon. Now I get 8% of every sale and I get the gift. It seems so wrong, but it feels so good.

I Like Orange

2005-09-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

In honor of Fall (and because my color scheme is too much like Peppermint's) I have changed the colors on my site!

Move In Day

2005-09-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

I helped my buddy Adam move into his new house on Sunday and today I hurt. I am personally not big on physical labor. It's not that I think its below me, I just suck at it. Sure, I can build you a database or optimize your website, but just don't ask me to build a bookshelf. It'll collapse on your family.

The rest of my family is great at being handy and outdoorsy. I'm great at being sunburned and stepping on pointy broken things. I can't blame Gay for doing this to me; I know plenty of my fellow 'Mos who are great at building things, renovating homes, playing sports and, scariest of all, camping.

My 'rents are on vacation this week. They went to some crappy beach in some southern state. This sounds like hell to me. I couldn't relax on a beach. I'd be too worried about sunblock and getting sand in weird spots to relax and have any kind of fun. I'm only relaxed when I'm in the city when there are sirens going off and horns honking at pedestrians. This would freak my parents out. We're polar opposites. It could be that I'm just rebelling still. Whatever my parents love, I will forever loathe. Whatever they hate, I will embrace full heartedly.

But seeing as home ownership is (hopefully) just around the corner, I'm trying to get over my fear and work on becoming handy! Moving in Adam was just my first step towards manliness. Tonight, I'm going to help him put down a tile floor. That'll butch me up.

I Almost Broke Down

2005-09-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot to blog about this on Tuesday. So Monday, I went to Sakura in Fairlawn with Mia, Adam, Sage and Rocky. I've been vegetarian for about 9 months now and I really haven't had any cravings for dead things, that is until Monday. Everyone around me had chunks of raw fish that looked really tasty. Spicy tuna roll, eel roll, crab roll, dragon roll... they all had tasty dead animals in them! They looked so much better then the tempura tofu roll and vegetarian roll that I was snacking on. I really wanted to eat a piece of death, but I didn't. I stood strong.

It's been a long path to becoming a vegetarian. I stopped eating pork in middle school since I wanted a pig as a pet. I figured I couldn't eat a dog, so how can I eat a pig. My junior year in high school I was inspired to give up red meat in general. My Academic Challenge "coach" didn't eat read meat and he challenged me not to. Plus he was really hot and I thought he might like my dedication to his cause and inspire him to make out with me.

I tried to go vegetarian my freshman year for about a week, but the Union food made it hard to not eat chicken. Then I tried again my senior year. By now I was cooking in my dorm so I could make whatever I wanted; the Union was no longer an issue. Plus, I had to bring balance to the universe. My best friend John has been vegetarian for years and that semester he took entomology. Since he had to kill for class, someone had to give up killing to eat.* That someone was me. Luckily, he dropped the class and I got to eat chicken wings at Paninis again.

This current trip into vegetarianism started on January 1, 2005. I was drunk and at a party West 9th in Cleveland and I decided that the piece of chicken I was eating would be the last chuck of meat I'd ever eat. Eight months and 3 weeks later I haven't folded. I think this might actually last. My next big obstacle will be Thanksgiving.

*The best part of this story was that my chemistry teacher asked if anyone in class was vegetarian. I raised my hand. She asked me why I gave up meat. I had a good relationship with her so decided not to lie. I told her I gave up meat so John can kill bugs for class. She was John's advisor, so I thought she'd get a chuckle out of it. Instead she just looked at me, tilted her head, and said that since she knew John, my reasoning made sense!

Fall Lineup

2005-09-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

Every channel changed their lineup last night. I normally watch Will & Grace on WGN from 6:30 until 7:30, but now it's gone! Luckily, Lifetime's picking up the slack and showing Will & Grace from 11:00 until midnight. I'm really excited that the show's on Lifetime not because I get to watch it (I'd be asleep before it comes on), but because there's a quiz to help me determine which character I'm most like! I was really hoping I'd be Karen, but I'm not. I'm Will. Here's what Lifetime has to say about me.

You Are So Will!
Move over, Martha Stewart! You're the most domestic clean freak around, and you can whip up a plate of olive tapenade like no one's business. Yet for all your culinary skills and fab fashion sense, your love life is anything but perfect. Your fussy ways and ridiculously high standards could be scaring off those tall, dark and handsome types. And one more thing: If you were to look up "butt-in-ski" in the dictionary, you'd see your face. Stop channeling Dr. Phil and get out there and live it up a little. (Sorry, eating frosting from the can doesn't count!)

But am I bitter about this? Absolutely.

I'm Over It

2005-09-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm done with Texas Hold'em. This was hot like 4 years ago and now it's everywhere. Everyone at works wants to play, every channel has there own tournament, and all I can think about is how black jack is so much better. But give it 4 years and I'm sure I'll be over it, too. By then there will black jack on every channel and I'll be on to 5 card draw.

Passing

2005-09-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

I passed for straight last Friday night! I was totally excited! I'm not the gayest of the gays, but still its nice to know that I can pass if I have to. Hmmm... actually that sounds wrong. I can pass if I WANT to. I'm over people caring one way or the other, but sometimes it's just easier if you pretend to be who other people want you to be. There are less questions to answer, less awkward stares, and less talking in general.

Case in point, I was in Chicago for a trade show last December. I was chatting was a nice but very drunk guy and he started talking about some of the women at the conference. I felt uncomfortable so I played straight. I went along with his conversation and once I felt he offended enough people, I said my goodbye and walked to the open bar for another cocktail. Sure, I could've said I'm queer and that I'd didn't want to "tap that," but it was way easier to play along.

It Could Be SARS

2005-09-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I got sick! I started feeling a bit sick-ish after work and by 8 I was pretty sure that my death pending. My friend Ingy's birthday was last night, so I felt obliged to go out for a little bit, but I didn't drink! That never happens! Being out and drinking go hand-in-hand.

I woke up this morning with the most amazing headache ever. It hurt to open my eyes, it hurt to swallow, and in general it hurt to move. I stayed in bed hoping the pain would stop, but it didn't. I debated taking a sick day today, but I didn't do that either. I feel guilty taking sick days. I don't know why, but I do.

Eh. At least I get to take NyQuil tonight.

Married

2005-09-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

A few of my friends are now married. This creeps me out to no end. I'm still more concerned with video games and fun shoes; they're worried about what to make for dinner and who will do the laundry.

My roommate in college got married the summer before our senior year. I love both him and his wife with all my heart, but it's now weird to hang out with them. It's not like things have really changed, but in my mind they are now distinctly different. They are my married friends. I feel like I need to do couple stuff with them, like dinner parties and Pictionary. I, however, am not at this point in my life. I want debauchery and lots of it.

Tonight I want to go to the bar and drink. If I were married I couldn't do this. I'd be at home knitting a scarf or a Christmas tree skirt worrying about where the kids are and what I'll make for dinner the following night. I can't do that! I am not Donna Reed!

Alright enough ranting for a day...

Gilmore Part II

2005-09-13T12:33:00.001-07:00

Four hours and twenty seven minutes to go!

Gilmore

2005-09-13T06:52:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the season premiere of The Gilmore Girls. I know it's just a TV show, but it actually means something to me.

My mom and I got into a huge fight almost 4 years ago. It was right around Christmas when she found out I am gay. My mom's outwardly liberal stance quickly changed to the conservative "not in my family" stance that others in my situation have experienced. There was an eruption of emotions. More "You'll burn for your evil ways"s and "I'll never be a Grandma"s then I care to talk about. I wanted to leave and never come back.

We had been so close. My mom had me when she was 18 and just graduating high school. We were more like best friends then mom and son, but me being queer destroyed our relationship. For the next three years while I was in college, we talked maybe once a week. I hardly every came home. All I wanted to do was forget that awful night, I just wanted to keep running away.

Things began to get better around the time I graduated. I moved back home to do my job hunting. My mom then introduced me to the Gilmore Girls. I actually liked the show and it began to act as a bridge for my mom and me. Things still aren't perfect and I doubt they ever will, but at least I have my mom back for one hour a week.

WWMD?

2005-09-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm in awkward situations, I ask myself a simple question: What Would Madonna Do? It usually results in me avoiding trouble, reading about Kabbalah (and wishing I had a little red Kabbalah string), getting into bigger trouble or hunting for a pointy bra.

I applied this theory to an honors chemistry class my senior year of college. Every paper I wrote was based on a Madonna song. My strongest paper showed the parallels between Madonna and genetic engineering. My final project for the class was about reinventing yourself (which Madonna is a master at) and the science of facial care products, all of which was set to a series of Madonna remixes. It was hot. I got an A in the class.

Madonna even helped me find a job. I had tickets to see her show in Chicago on July 12, 2004. A few weeks earlier, I had been offered a job with American Express selling insurance. If I would have taken the job, there would have been no Madonna or Chicago for me. I turned down the job, saw Madonna and then a few months later I found the job of my dreams.

So Madonna, if you're out there, and I know you are, thanks for everything.

Dream

2005-09-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a crazy dream. My mom and I had to go Christmas shopping for my little cousin. She needed some new diaper for her Cabbage Patch doll Judy Jordan. I think we were in a Wal-Mart or K-mart when my mom told me the only place we were going to find diapers this close to Christmas was at Toys R Us.

We ended up at the Toys R Us at Rolling Acres (is that still open?). When we went in it was enormous. There were, like, 100 foot ceilings and the store stretched out for miles. Luckily we were able to find some Cabbage Patch diapers, but not before I ran into my High School band director. He was on his way to the liquor store that was conveniently located right by check out.

That was a crazy dream, but it got me thinking: a liquor store in a toy store makes perfect sense. When your holiday spirit gets low, you can boost it with some spirits! When it's not the holidays, you can let you kid run wildly in the store while you pick up a handle of Kettle One. It really seems like a win-win situation. I've been wanting to start my own business for a while now. Maybe this is my calling.

Beer and Poptarts

2005-09-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

Five years ago I was a college freshman with crappy classes that occurred at the ass crack of dawn. For this reason, I took to the bottle.

Everyday at around eight o'clockish, I'd walk over to the coffee shop in the Student Union with my brushed Stainless Steel travel mug from Starbucks in tow. I'd get it filled with the darkest brewed coffee they had, then walk back to the dorm. I'd open up the bottom drawer of my desk, get out a bottle of whiskey or Irish cream, and make myself a cocktail. I would take my mix to my expository writing class and sip away while others discussed really boring topics that I could care less about.

As the semester progressed and the weather got colder, I didn't feel the need for the Union brewed coffee. Instead, I took a shot of whatever was available and had a Poptart (usually iced strawberry). I ran out of milk one morning and instead of getting a glass of water or juice, I cracked open a Guinness. The dark beer and the Poptart went really well together, especially the chocolate kind. Thus came my new morning ritual: Beer and Poptarts.