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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I'm Here. I'm Queer. I'm Getting Used to It.
Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. I try to be a good gay, so I used a volunteer day and I headed up to Cleveland to volunteer with some friends at The Lesbian Gay Community Service Center. They were having a rally called "Live Homosexual Acts." Since I used to work there, I wasn't surprised by the appearance of chaos.
We flyered Public Square and set up for our rally on a chilly, drizzly afternoon. Amazingly we got the PA system working, and low and behold, we had a rally. As we set up, I noticed press beginning to gather. First it was Fox 8, then it was NBC 3. All of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable.
I'm openly gay. I came out at work at my interview. I'm not afraid to hold hands with someone I'm dating. I'm open on all my blogs, to my friends, the list goes on and on. But for some reason I just felt weird, awkward and singled out. There's really no justification for my feelings except for internalized homophobia. Maybe I'm not as cool with being gay as I let on.
It really tore me up last night. I'm supposed to the gay poster child. I've done peer counciling. I've helped people experience the gay community for the first time in their lives. I worked at a damn gay community center! Yet here I am fretting over being associated with this rally by the media. It doesn't seem to fit.
I think I'm entering a new phase in my life. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's here. I feel myself regressing, heading back to the safety of the closet. I already feel like there's a foot back inside. I think I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to being gay then I thought. I think I'm starting to see that now and that's why I'm freaking out.
So, sure. I'm here. I'm queer. But I'm still getting used to it.
(I'm Here. I'm Queer. I'm Getting Used to It.)
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