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Sunday, February 12, 2006
What Did I Do?
I'm pretty fucked up right now.
I did something really bad on Saturday. I can't get the events out of my head. I'm not ashamed of the events; I'm ashamed of who I did this with. Ther are certain lines that I try not to cross with my friends. Well, I crossed it, stomped on it and laughed at it.
A few years ago, I fell in love for the first time. It was legitamate love, not just a crush. Well, we broke up, but remained friends. We still hang out on a frequent basis and I'm becoming friends with his new boyfriend. Last night, I was at their house for a block party. We got a little sloshed with some friends and by 1:30-ish a.m., there were six of us left. One thing led to another and things happened.
I'm not ashamed of having sex. I try to talk openly about it. There's nothing wrong with it; it's a natural part of life. If we make it taboo and people are ashamed of it, then they're not going to be safe when the time comes because they haven't been properly educated.
So if I'm not ashamed of the sex, then what am I afriad of? My friendships. We crossed a major line. How do I act the next time I see them? I'm freakin' out about this. And now I'm having this rush of feelings again. I thought I was over him, but I guess I'm not. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do now. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I have a gut feeling this is going to be a long week.
(What Did I Do?)
Friday, October 28, 2005
Dream
I got really crazy drunk a couple of nights ago so I had some nice drunken dreams. It's no secret to anyone that I love the Gilmore Girls and I sorta have a crush on Scott Patterson's character, Luke. It's very important to distinguish that I don't have a crush on Scott Patterson, I have a crush on Luke. Alright, there's the set up, now here's the dream.
So I was visiting Stars Hollow where I was going to visit my long lost Aunt Babbette. She took me to Luke's Diner where I had an incredible vegan breakfast. That's where I met dreamy Luke. Then we went to see Aunt Babbette's friend Miss Patty at her dance school. They gossiped while I went for a walk around the Square. I walked into Dosse's Market, was thrown out of Kim's Antiques and found myself back at Luke's. Then I heard Aunt Babbette yelling at me about how I have to go to the Dragonfly Inn and have lunch with her, Miss Patty and some mysterious woman named Eastside Tillie.
The four of us went up to the Inn and were greeted(ish) by Michele. We had a reservation and we went into the dining room. Sookie came out to see us and since Babbette had told her all about me she had a vegan feast waiting. That's when Lorelai rushed in because Paul Anka (her dog) was missing. I met her and she took an immediate liking to me. She decided on the spot that I was better then her daughter Rory and asked if I'd be her son. I decided it would be a good move to say yes. Just then Paul Anka jumped through the vegan feast. (The peas in it freaked him out.) Since lunch was ruined, Me, Patty, Babbette, Lorelia, Eastside Tillie, and Sookie went to Al's Pancake World but it was Beef, Beef and More Beef Day there so we kept on walking. Westin's was crowded so we headed back to Luke's where my stupid new mom Lorelai kissed Luke!
I got pissed and stormed. Mom-Lorelai came out to comfort me and then we went home. Later that night, Mom-Lorelai had to finish some stuff up at the Inn. So I was home watching Knight Rider on TV when Luke showed up. He told me this was mindless crap and that we should watch TLC instead. So we turned it on and he sat on the couch next to me. (I was on the far left part of the couch, Luke was on the middle of the cushion.) Then Luke flung his legs up onto the right part of the couch and flopped down in my lap with his hands behind his head with a smug little smile on his face. I freaked out and he just kept on smiling. "What if Lorelai comes home and catches us like this," I yelled. Then he kissed me. Not like a super kiss, but just a peck on the lips. That shut me up and we went back to watching TLC.
Then I woke up. So there you have it, my latest crazy dream.
(Dream)
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I'm Here. I'm Queer. I'm Getting Used to It.
Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. I try to be a good gay, so I used a volunteer day and I headed up to Cleveland to volunteer with some friends at The Lesbian Gay Community Service Center. They were having a rally called "Live Homosexual Acts." Since I used to work there, I wasn't surprised by the appearance of chaos.
We flyered Public Square and set up for our rally on a chilly, drizzly afternoon. Amazingly we got the PA system working, and low and behold, we had a rally. As we set up, I noticed press beginning to gather. First it was Fox 8, then it was NBC 3. All of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable.
I'm openly gay. I came out at work at my interview. I'm not afraid to hold hands with someone I'm dating. I'm open on all my blogs, to my friends, the list goes on and on. But for some reason I just felt weird, awkward and singled out. There's really no justification for my feelings except for internalized homophobia. Maybe I'm not as cool with being gay as I let on.
It really tore me up last night. I'm supposed to the gay poster child. I've done peer counciling. I've helped people experience the gay community for the first time in their lives. I worked at a damn gay community center! Yet here I am fretting over being associated with this rally by the media. It doesn't seem to fit.
I think I'm entering a new phase in my life. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's here. I feel myself regressing, heading back to the safety of the closet. I already feel like there's a foot back inside. I think I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to being gay then I thought. I think I'm starting to see that now and that's why I'm freaking out.
So, sure. I'm here. I'm queer. But I'm still getting used to it.
(I'm Here. I'm Queer. I'm Getting Used to It.)
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Sleeping In
I tried sleeping in today but I couldn't. I got up at 7:17, cursed at the clock, and rolled over. Forty minutes later, I was wide awake and staring at my ceiling fan (which I discovered really needs dusted). So I did what any American would do, I turned on the TV.
To my surprise, MTV was playing a crappy music video! Did you even know MTV still plays music videos? I didn't. I thought that's why they made MTV2! But like I said, the video sucked, so I proceeded to flip through the channels until something interesting came on. Finally, I landed on the Discovery Health Channel and there was a special on about Progeria. I've seen a few of these specials before, but this one was brand new to me! I got so excited to learn about the rapid aging of children!
So there I was, in bed, watching kids grow into old people by the time they're teenagers. It was really quite sad, but I'm amazed by the human body and even more impressed by the human spirit. It's gotta be crazy being a parent of a child with progeria. Most children don't live past their early teens; it has to be terrible to know that your child could very well die before you. But you have to rise above it and make their short time here the best it can be! That's what these parents do; make their kids' lives the best they can be.
Then my show was over and I needed a shower. That means getting out of bed; out from under the warm, warm covers and into the chilly house. So instead of moving right away, I flipped through the channels. I miss daytime TV. I landed on Tyra, Tyra Banks attempt at a crappy daytime talkshow. It looks so terrible! I wish I could be at home to watch it. That way I could loath Tyra and her alien forhead even more! This episode was all about Tyra and her cheap ass.
Finally, I had to get out of bed and get ready for work. Now I'm here and I miss Tyra and my progeria children.
(Sleeping In)
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I Spell Relief V-E-T-O
A few weeks ago there was this big stink in Norton about making English the official language of Norton. If you read my other blog, RubberBuzz, you might know that I was very against this, you know, because I'm sane and don't have a warped xenophobic perspective of America. I wrote the ACLU a few times and I wrote the mayor of Norton. Then I waited to see if Joe Kernan would overturn the council's resolution. I figured it would be in The BJ, but I never saw it. I figured Mayor Joe let the resolution stand.
Today I was reading Akron.com about the ward races in Norton and they were talking about the English only thing and views from the candidates. And all of a sudden, boom, there it was as plain as day, Mayor Kernan had vetoed the resolution. I felt so much better. I know Joe. He's a good guy and I'm glad to here he took the high road on this issue.
(I Spell Relief V-E-T-O)
Wishlist Bastard
I'm a bastard. I'm double dipping when it comes to holiday and birthday gifts. Almost everything I want I can get on Amazon.com. I can add it to my wishlist and people can get it for me. But that just helps Amazon make more money. I want to make more money. So I set up an affiliate relationship with Amazon. Now I get 8% of every sale and I get the gift. It seems so wrong, but it feels so good.
(Wishlist Bastard)
Monday, September 26, 2005
I Like Orange
In honor of Fall (and because my color scheme is too much like Peppermint's) I have changed the colors on my site!
(I Like Orange)
Move In Day
I helped my buddy Adam move into his new house on Sunday and today I hurt. I am personally not big on physical labor. It's not that I think its below me, I just suck at it. Sure, I can build you a database or optimize your website, but just don't ask me to build a bookshelf. It'll collapse on your family.
The rest of my family is great at being handy and outdoorsy. I'm great at being sunburned and stepping on pointy broken things. I can't blame Gay for doing this to me; I know plenty of my fellow 'Mos who are great at building things, renovating homes, playing sports and, scariest of all, camping.
My 'rents are on vacation this week. They went to some crappy beach in some southern state. This sounds like hell to me. I couldn't relax on a beach. I'd be too worried about sunblock and getting sand in weird spots to relax and have any kind of fun. I'm only relaxed when I'm in the city when there are sirens going off and horns honking at pedestrians. This would freak my parents out. We're polar opposites. It could be that I'm just rebelling still. Whatever my parents love, I will forever loathe. Whatever they hate, I will embrace full heartedly.
But seeing as home ownership is (hopefully) just around the corner, I'm trying to get over my fear and work on becoming handy! Moving in Adam was just my first step towards manliness. Tonight, I'm going to help him put down a tile floor. That'll butch me up.
(Move In Day)
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I Almost Broke Down
I totally forgot to blog about this on Tuesday. So Monday, I went to Sakura in Fairlawn with Mia, Adam, Sage and Rocky. I've been vegetarian for about 9 months now and I really haven't had any cravings for dead things, that is until Monday. Everyone around me had chunks of raw fish that looked really tasty. Spicy tuna roll, eel roll, crab roll, dragon roll... they all had tasty dead animals in them! They looked so much better then the tempura tofu roll and vegetarian roll that I was snacking on. I really wanted to eat a piece of death, but I didn't. I stood strong.
It's been a long path to becoming a vegetarian. I stopped eating pork in middle school since I wanted a pig as a pet. I figured I couldn't eat a dog, so how can I eat a pig. My junior year in high school I was inspired to give up red meat in general. My Academic Challenge "coach" didn't eat read meat and he challenged me not to. Plus he was really hot and I thought he might like my dedication to his cause and inspire him to make out with me.
I tried to go vegetarian my freshman year for about a week, but the Union food made it hard to not eat chicken. Then I tried again my senior year. By now I was cooking in my dorm so I could make whatever I wanted; the Union was no longer an issue. Plus, I had to bring balance to the universe. My best friend John has been vegetarian for years and that semester he took entomology. Since he had to kill for class, someone had to give up killing to eat.* That someone was me. Luckily, he dropped the class and I got to eat chicken wings at Paninis again.
This current trip into vegetarianism started on January 1, 2005. I was drunk and at a party West 9th in Cleveland and I decided that the piece of chicken I was eating would be the last chuck of meat I'd ever eat. Eight months and 3 weeks later I haven't folded. I think this might actually last. My next big obstacle will be Thanksgiving.
*The best part of this story was that my chemistry teacher asked if anyone in class was vegetarian. I raised my hand. She asked me why I gave up meat. I had a good relationship with her so decided not to lie. I told her I gave up meat so John can kill bugs for class. She was John's advisor, so I thought she'd get a chuckle out of it. Instead she just looked at me, tilted her head, and said that since she knew John, my reasoning made sense!
(I Almost Broke Down)
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